My Three Most Important Values

As I read through your assignments on your three most important values, I thought about my own values.  I've always thought of myself as a "good" person with "good" values. Recent circumstances are forcing me to a greater level of self-honesty, though: what really are my values--my actual top three values, not simply those I want others to think are my top three?  As I thought of the answer to this question, I realized that two of my dearest values have arisen as a reaction to the way I was raised by my parents, while the other is a continuation of my family history.

First and foremost: freedom.  Freedom for me comprises three parts: intellectual, sexual, (which I will touch on in a general, rather than highly specific way) and aesthetic. Intellectual freedom for me means the freedom to access information and opinion.  It's the freedom to weigh evidence and make my own conclusions.  It's the freedom to question, to criticize, to ridicule, and even to abhor.  Just because a respected philosophy claims something is true doesn't mean I'll believe it.  Just because a large religion claims something is precious doesn't mean I can't feel that the opposite is true, that that something is a complete affront to our common humanity.  Similarly, I am an individualist when it comes to sexual freedom; I believe that anything consenting adults do, as long as it does not cause them or others harm, is permissible.  In my perfect world, the sexual freedom of a given adult, while perhaps of interest to others, would be guaranteed by the law (as long as fraud, coercion, or deliberate harm were not involved).  To be honest, the number of people who seem terrified of anything other than monogamous, heterosexual marriages, is quite puzzling to me.  Until I die, I will oppose judging and condemning others based on their sexual orientations or identities.  Finally, freedom for me involves accessing, interpreting, and enjoying aesthetic experiences.  My early fundamentalist Protestant upbringing did instill in me something that would later morph into an appreciation for classical music, but after I left that entire system of thinking, I was far better able to appreciate the non-auditory aesthetic pleasures afforded by a flower, a painting, a photograph, a building.  Freedom, then, is about rejecting "systems" that tie down the human spirit, whether intellectually, sexually, or aesthetically, and in saying so, I find myself a student of Nietzsche rather than a child of God.

My second most important value is empathy, and this I feel is two-fold; the term for me denotes the potential for love and the capacity for gentleness.  Empathy understands others, whether intellectually or emotionally, and seeks to give them what they need.  For me, this is truly a form of love.  For this reason, I try to "be there" for others (with varying degrees of success, unfortunately!), and I also value it when others are there for me.  On the other hand, being gentle with one's neighbours is just as important as "being there" for them.  Gentleness implies a level of emotional self-control when it comes, for example, to anger.  I appreciate calmness and consideration in others, and I greatly admire tact and excellent conflict management skills in others.  Overall, I wish that I was more empathetic towards others, but despite my own shortcomings in this area, empathy remains my most important ethical virtue.  In short, if freedom is of vital importance to me, then empathy, which provides a much-needed balance, is, too.

After some reflection, I realized that my first two values arose in reaction to the way I was raised.  My parents taught me that only evangelical Christians would go to heaven; everyone else in the world would be sent to hell.  My church taught me that any sexual activity outside of a monogamous, heterosexual marriage was a sin worthy of death and eternal hellfire.  Even if we set aside the issue of sexual orientation, which is innate, it is clear that in a world where people marry at forty rather than fourteen, such values are far removed from reality.  These outlandish positions were based on an "understanding" of the Bible that was prevalent in the religious community in which I grew up, and which is sadly still all too dominant in some quarters.  It is little wonder, then, that in my own life I have sought out the polar opposites of these: freedom rather than a straitjacket, and empathy rather than the cold dogmatism of those who cannot truly listen to any viewpoint but their own.

My third value, though, is something that my parents would still approve of: family.  I will admit, though, that it is the nuclear family I find important, and specifically, my energy and focus is towards the younger generation in my family rather than the older one.  (This preference, too, can be seen as a rejection of the value system with which I was raised.) For me, family is not an institution that solves all my problems, or that heals all my hurts. Nevertheless, having a family, even as an imperfect husband and father, has brought into being something that is wonderful.  Above all, I find my five-year-old son a blessing. Despite the fact that I never wanted children, he continues to delight me with his innocence and energy.  I want to be in his life for each day while he grows up, and I want to have a good relationship with him after he learns to be his own person with his own independence.  My son has given my life a good deal more meaning than I possessed before.  All in all, while family life might be sometimes difficult, family itself remains life-giving and deeply meaningful.

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ADDENDUM: I am quite aware that the experience of being raised in a religious home as I have described it is far from the only one possible, and I have known many religious people who commanded both my respect and my affection.  Accordingly, those with strong religious beliefs need not be afraid of religious persecution in our class! ;-)